I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
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I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…