If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
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Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
So sick of all these stupid rules
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man