My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
You Might Also Like
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?