Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
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I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.