*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
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Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Me checking my bank balance online.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
“TGIM!” – My liver
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
bro what is going on at twitter
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.