the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
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I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.