what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
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Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
U talkin 2 me?
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Cheers Twitter.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job