hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
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[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣