So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
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HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?