[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
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I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.