I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
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So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.