Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
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There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?