This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
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Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Smells like a challenge to me
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.