I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
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[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(