One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
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JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
🏙👨🏼
Need this in my life lol
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.