an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
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I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
🤣🤣
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Always…
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?