*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
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google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”