My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
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I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑