Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
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My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad