I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
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It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear