Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
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I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t