too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
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Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
just pretend nothing happened
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.