This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
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#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”