No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
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Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory