Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
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Guy who likes music
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE