Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
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Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.