[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
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SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff