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Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Meeeee too!
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
This kid is a star!
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.