[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
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call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
welp
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.