If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
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I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
They’re really bad with fonts.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
new record!
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row