My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
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I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Bill is short for Billiam
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”