Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
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Lo AND behold? in this economy?
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror