The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
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Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Good morning!
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Just why bro?!
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.