Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
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Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Follow me for more life hacks.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
ok like just. call me at this point
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.