This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime