My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
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Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
I’m not lazy
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up