Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
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if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.