therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
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Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”