The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.