Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
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Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
I think I’ll stand
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath