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Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Had an epiphany today.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir