[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
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“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.