A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
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The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly