I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
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I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Bro what is this
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
This is my bus stop.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt