If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
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Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards