CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
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Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.