Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
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Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*