It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
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I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*