me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
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If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.