Made a playlist for your weekend hike
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An amish party in the desert called churning man.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets